Tag Archives: life balance

Birdsong and Change by Matt Carlson

Can trees be so high? Leaves that green? Bird song so sweet? And dogs love too, so unfailing?.. And what about me? What about this body? It seems too so very consistent: in its needs of food, of sleep, of worrying and such. But I know that if I have the misfortune to see all of it in a mirror, that saggy face, those lines, the missing hair and muscles flask, that all is an illusion. This envelope belongs to another – not the frozen twenty five year old image in my head…none matters, thoughts of yesterday’s are gone, traces only remain… I am no longer the same, never was. We are never the same at any moment. One thing happens and you change and then another and another until so many pieces outside become the new you inside. One has no choice. It just happens… And there is no sadness, no joy of it. Joy has to be considered, maybe even chosen upon, like being unhappy. Perhaps we choose that, those emotions. If you’ve never experienced being happy, I’d imagine it would be hard to imagine happiness. I’m not completely sure of it anymore, myself…..
Was I truly happy once upon a time? Will I be one day? Is that a DNA thing that we simply reproduce because it’s there in our genes? Possibly…I still want to believe that we have some choice in the matter. I still would like to choose happiness, if I can.

Aahh, birdsong. Nothing better, that and the sound of the ocean…

 

 

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Angel’s Coming Out Video + My Personal Story About Coming Out

MatthewAfter watching this and feeling the emotions of its’ recital, I was reminded me of how important it is to share our own life experiences about being gay and too, that things do indeed get better…

When I was seventeen, my Mother, little brother and I moved back to our home town of Fresno California ; it was at this moment that I realized I was not heterosexual, but homosexual. After having made out with a current girlfirend, I realized that she didn’t inspire me. I have a very funny story about it, but you can find that on my blog at a later date!

Today, I just want to share about being gay in a world where the people in your family and at school, work and EVERYWHERE show a hatred for what you are. And that ‘what you are part’ is not something that you chose, but something that is innate. I’ve always said to people when I came out at eighteen years of age (it took me a few months to accept that I was gay) that I didn’t choose the color of my eyes, nor my hair and all the other basic biological aspects of who I am. And that my sexuality, that inner deepness or calling was towards men and not women. I did not choose it. It chose me.

That does not mean that I cannot love a woman or even make love to her, it means however that the deep down calling inside that I have, is towards men.

My Mother had a clue of course and when I told her (that too was funny)…I absolutely had to tell her the truth and so on the fateful day she came into my bedroom and sat down on my waterbed.

I began rather timidly, not sure what to say as she had recently aligned homosexuals to rapists and murderers. When I asked what she would do when she had said that, it was something like “I’d kill the son of a bitch”…But I think she was talking about the sexual partner and not her son, had he been homosexual ha, ha, ha 😉 .Anyway on this day, the day of telling, I told her to sit down, and she already was! Then I began, “Well, the truth is that…umm ” (I still was not ready to live the consequences of what I was about to say ) “umm well I’ve just been extremly depressed…. and so, umm I need to tell you that I’ve…stolen alot of money…I know it’s wrong, but I’m gonna give it back and I promise that I’ll never do it again…I know, huh? Who would’ve thought that I was a born thief right?…yea I just can’t help myself, I’m always taking stuff that doesn’t belong to me…” I avoided looking at her, pacing the bedroom like a caged animal. This was a good story I told myself…

“That’s ridiculous. Now honey, you can tell me whatever it is,” she said sweetly. Crap, I was thinking, she didn’t buy it.

“Alright, I’m sorry. I lied. It’s just that I didn’t think you’d understand,” I began.

“The real truth is that I’m a druggie. I love taking drugs, can’t get enough of ’em. I’m mean I’m totally stoned right now. …” I continued pacing, throwing a glance every now and then in her direction. “Yep, smoking pot every day and now I’m really getting off on speed. I take that for school -it does help the memoryalot…and you’re so much faster at everything…” I was definitely on to a good escape here but would need some proof, where could I get some drugs…?

She twisted her lips in a sardonic manner. Man, I thought I cannot lie to this woman! She knew I was lying. She always knows…how does she do it?

“Tell me the truth Matthew. I want to know. I’m your Mother and I love you. Nothing will change that”.

We looked at each other, my heart pounding as if it would burst. Still I hesitated, but only breifly. I had to tell her and I wouldn’t lie my life away, not for anyone. Not even her.

“Okay Mom…You’re not gonna like this, but I have to tell you the truth….I’m….I’m…

I’m gay. I’m what they call a homosexual.”

She burst into tears and I went to hold her in my arms. Deep sobbing entailed, mine included but more controlled than hers’. She was beyond tearing up like me. She was feeling a wave of emotions: guilt and anger, frustration at the world. I was wondering what was going to happen now.

“What did I do wrong?” she asked meekly. Without knowing the exact answers to her questions, I knew at least that, that it was nothing she did or didn’t do. My future research and life experiences would confirm that hypothesis…. We talked for hours and the conversation didn’t die on that day either. And she did run up to the mountains and have it out with my Dad. Was it a vengeful way to get back at him or her need to talk with the other biological parent? I wanted to tell my Father myself and I did get quite angry about that at her. My Father’s reponse in the beginning was that he disinherited me! That’s another story…

To sum up this short chapter in coming out, my Mother took some time to deal with it. Accepting that i was still the same person, yet different than what she had imagined or created in her mind. Her critical judgements coming from religion and social conditioning, friends and family that were as ignorant as she had always been. Having done her homework and learning about homosexuality (and not just accepting ignorant thoughts on the subject) she would later get involved in the Gay Pride in Fresno, do AIDES charity work as well as speak out openly in defense of gay people, especially her son.

My own attitude was important too, educating myself through available books and sharing that with family members from the age of eighteen. The good side of that is that I’ve never hidden my sexuality, I don’t necessarily throw it in people’s faces either, I just live who I am. When a situation comes up or someone says something, then I tell them what I think about it. I also support healthy gay oganisations and gay + human + animal rights manifestations : Gay Pride, Names Project, Gay Games to name a few…

I truly believe that dialogue is the most potent tool in advancing people’s ignorance about homosexuality and also acreating opportunites for people to see images and videos too, anything that will take away the demonizing of it. Gay people are no different from straight people, the only difference today might be in numbers, that there are fewer gay people than straight people.

Saying that makes me think that homosexuality could eventually be nature’s answer to the current problem of over population. Apparently in 2050, there will be 11 billion people on this planet.

Hm. Just a thought. Matt and Oliver

The Inner DIALOGUE: Are You Constantly Talking to Yourself? by Matthew Carlson

I should've won!

The Inner Dialogue by Matthew Carlson

THE INNER DIALOGUE (an excerpt from an ebook in progress)
by matt carlson
You are on the tennis court. You are playing a tennis match. Your adversary beats you almost every time (except when he is suffering from a minor illness, you can sometimes eek out a set). This time, you suddenly and surprising have the advantage
with a 15/40 on his serve and you are leading 6 games to 5! It’s never happened before during his periods of being healthy.
Without even thinking about it, your backhand down-the-line has dropped in! You now go and pick up a ball and toss it to your
adversary and during that time, a voice is talking to you.
It says, ” Wow, I can’t believe my luck ! For once my backhand went in at the right time! I’m gonna hit a great big forehand to
close out this set! It’s gonna be devastating!” You tell yourself with a self congratulating air on how it will be afterwards.
Already, you are seeing the photographers fighting to take your picture; this is your moment of glory!
You move into position and stand to receive serve. Your partner begins his windup. It’s a slow, unexpected puffy like sphere
rolling in the air like a cloud, seemingly to take forever to arrive in your service box. Apparently, your opponent wants to play it
safe. Not you though, you’re gonna pound on that ball and show him how good you really are! To make up for all those many
humiliating lost matches! It’s time! You jump at 200 miles per hour on that poor, slowly rotating fluorescent green ball while
slamming it with all your might, using that brand new powerful racquet you just bought (guaranteed for hair splitting return of
serves!) Unfortunately, however, your velocity is too rapid and you completely miss the ball
.It sadly rolls into the back fence;
it is alone and unmoving. A lost ball, an unmoving one; a once again lost opportunity
.
Suddenly, an irate voice in your head is
now screaming, « What an idiot! How can anybody miss that kind of ball?! Even a 2 year old could’ve made it back into the
court!” You try not to show how upset you are, but your breathing is suddenly short & fast, your face too has become a red
tomato

The controlling voice intercedes once again saying « It’s okay you still have a another set point – forget about that horrible
forehand – let’s hit a backhand this time – you hit a great backhand just a minute ago ». Your breathing is still very fast and you
can no longer feel your legs either. But you are trying to be positive so you move again into position, hoping it’ll work out for you.
Then while expecting your opponent to accelerate that dinky serve of earlier, you are wrong again. He serves you yet another
dinky serve and ‘oh-happy-days’ it’s to your backhand, as you had hoped! You jump into action immediately, but the controlling
voice is there too, saying « Drop shot! Drop shot!” and you think yes, (though you never worked on it before), there’s a big
ignored hole right next to the net! » However, at the moment when you decide to hit your drop shot, your racquet slips a little bit
in your hand about half an inch in the wrong direction. You attempt to make your drop shot anyway with this new grip (one
you’ve never used before, but you have committed yourself) all the while thoughts at terrific speeds are giving you a lot of
information: « Softly, softly! Hit up on the ball: hit up, hit up
HIT UP YOU IDIOT!!! »
The ball lands at the bottom of the net

At first you don’t realize it, but the head voice of earlier is now screaming out loud and you have thrown your brand new racquet onto
the ground. Your adversary is quite pleased. Needless to say, the first set has been lost in a tie-breaker and the second set was
a mere formality; you have lost it 6-0. You were a phantom after losing the first set, feeling as if you were somehow disconnected
to your body and its sensations. You wonder if it is worth it to continue playing tennis at all

You were right about one thing: you were completely cut off from your body and henceforth, your ability to play tennis well


Your INTENTIONS by Matthew Carlson

Intentions.

That word.

So easy to say and yet somehow easily put aside.

But that word or more precisely, the meaning of it is incredibly strong. Intentions…IN…10..tions.  (And again!) INTENTIONS….Just let it roll off your tongue for a an instant and reflect on what that means. You could even close your eyes too: hearing it, imagining it and wondering what yours’ might be. Intentions. Your intentions. Maybe the most important word in your vocabulary. If not, perhaps it should be.

Often in our lives these days, there is a lack of clear intentions. Not knowing what you want, running after the almighty dollar (or euro) so you can buy “stuff”, follow outside agendas (other peoples’, not yours’) and very quickly one can run out of steam. Perhaps so locked up in your daily functioning that you forget about who you are and why you are doing things. Life is not about making money. Making money is about making money. A commodity that can easily kill you (fast or slow) depending on the poison you have chosen…Are you trying to impress someone, or maybe following someone else’s idea’s, religion, goals or aspirations? Wanting someone to like or love you? Trying to get  something from someone? If you are, just step off that crazy bandwagon ride and get a hold of yourself! Consider YOU, what desire is there in your head/brain, heart or soul? However you might define those things…

What is it that your inner self is trying so hard to communicate to you? The term communication means to bring all elements together with equal knowledge and/or awareness to the same place (and to all parties concerned) only then can one truly have access to communication. To bring together a “commonness”… That still doesn’t mean that true communcation will take place. If everyone is not aware of what the information is, there cannot be true communication. It will only be parts of information shared eventually, but not thouroughly. There won’t be any “commonness”.

(I know, I just made up a new word!)

Are you aware that billions of cells in your body make you ‘you’ constantly communicate? Well they do. Or rather, they try to. There needs to be reception of the phone call, right? I mean if someone calls you on your cell phone and you don’t answer, well you won’t get the message. Unless you check your messages (ha, ha!) And hopefully one was left! And no, just saying something in your head voice is not communication either. It’s not because you thought it that your thought was sent out to anyone. No sending, no recieving.

The same can be said for EMAILS. Many people think or say, “Yea I sent an email” Which someone means “It is no longer my responsability because I sent an email with my information”….BUT the problem is this: does the person have a computer? Will the person turn it on? Will the person OPEN his email box? Will he see your email AND will he open AND read it?? That’s alot of if’s! Sendina an email or even leaving a message is not communication, it is only a smalll part of which could BECOME communcation.

(By the way, it sooo makes me laugh when people say they work in communcation and don’t know these simple facts, so don’t feel bad about it if it’s your case. Live and learn every day, right?

So, how do you listen to your inner voice?  How do you know your body is even talking to you? Does it speak Spanish? French? English? Well, a hint: it doesn’t speak verbal language.

That’s the key.

Your body communicates with you by sensations: through feelings, through pain and pleasure, hunger and thirst, images, desires, dreams, thoughts that just seem to appear for no reason…

Being in touch with ones’ body and being present in the moment is essential in order to “hear” (or the reception there of) those messages. One of the best ways I’ve found to get into touch with myself is to sit or lay down somewhere, close my eyes and take some long deep breaths. Just concentrating on that act of doing nothing but breathing.

Little by little, I will focus on my physical awareness starting with a part of me like: the position in my chair, my feet, my back against the chair, my neck and shoulders…the position of my hands and so on. All the while focusing on breathing, deep down, feeling the air expand my lungs, then letting it out again. Really, fully feeling those sensations. Any thoughts that might come up, I will block their presence with a renewed focus on breathing, on my sitting there, the whereabouts of my body and its’ position…just emptying my head of all thoughts…

Try it out and let me know what you think.

Can’t hurt!