When I was seventeen, my Mother, little brother and I moved back to our home town of Fresno California ; it was at this moment that I realized I was not heterosexual, but homosexual. After having made out with a current girlfirend, I realized that she didn’t inspire me. I have a very funny story about it, but you can find that on my blog at a later date!
Today, I just want to share about being gay in a world where the people in your family and at school, work and EVERYWHERE show a hatred for what you are. And that ‘what you are part’ is not something that you chose, but something that is innate. I’ve always said to people when I came out at eighteen years of age (it took me a few months to accept that I was gay) that I didn’t choose the color of my eyes, nor my hair and all the other basic biological aspects of who I am. And that my sexuality, that inner deepness or calling was towards men and not women. I did not choose it. It chose me.
That does not mean that I cannot love a woman or even make love to her, it means however that the deep down calling inside that I have, is towards men.
My Mother had a clue of course and when I told her (that too was funny)…I absolutely had to tell her the truth and so on the fateful day she came into my bedroom and sat down on my waterbed.
I began rather timidly, not sure what to say as she had recently aligned homosexuals to rapists and murderers. When I asked what she would do when she had said that, it was something like “I’d kill the son of a bitch”…But I think she was talking about the sexual partner and not her son, had he been homosexual ha, ha, ha 😉 .Anyway on this day, the day of telling, I told her to sit down, and she already was! Then I began, “Well, the truth is that…umm ” (I still was not ready to live the consequences of what I was about to say ) “umm well I’ve just been extremly depressed…. and so, umm I need to tell you that I’ve…stolen alot of money…I know it’s wrong, but I’m gonna give it back and I promise that I’ll never do it again…I know, huh? Who would’ve thought that I was a born thief right?…yea I just can’t help myself, I’m always taking stuff that doesn’t belong to me…” I avoided looking at her, pacing the bedroom like a caged animal. This was a good story I told myself…
“That’s ridiculous. Now honey, you can tell me whatever it is,” she said sweetly. Crap, I was thinking, she didn’t buy it.
“Alright, I’m sorry. I lied. It’s just that I didn’t think you’d understand,” I began.
“The real truth is that I’m a druggie. I love taking drugs, can’t get enough of ’em. I’m mean I’m totally stoned right now. …” I continued pacing, throwing a glance every now and then in her direction. “Yep, smoking pot every day and now I’m really getting off on speed. I take that for school -it does help the memoryalot…and you’re so much faster at everything…” I was definitely on to a good escape here but would need some proof, where could I get some drugs…?
She twisted her lips in a sardonic manner. Man, I thought I cannot lie to this woman! She knew I was lying. She always knows…how does she do it?
“Tell me the truth Matthew. I want to know. I’m your Mother and I love you. Nothing will change that”.
We looked at each other, my heart pounding as if it would burst. Still I hesitated, but only breifly. I had to tell her and I wouldn’t lie my life away, not for anyone. Not even her.
“Okay Mom…You’re not gonna like this, but I have to tell you the truth….I’m….I’m…
I’m gay. I’m what they call a homosexual.”
She burst into tears and I went to hold her in my arms. Deep sobbing entailed, mine included but more controlled than hers’. She was beyond tearing up like me. She was feeling a wave of emotions: guilt and anger, frustration at the world. I was wondering what was going to happen now.
“What did I do wrong?” she asked meekly. Without knowing the exact answers to her questions, I knew at least that, that it was nothing she did or didn’t do. My future research and life experiences would confirm that hypothesis…. We talked for hours and the conversation didn’t die on that day either. And she did run up to the mountains and have it out with my Dad. Was it a vengeful way to get back at him or her need to talk with the other biological parent? I wanted to tell my Father myself and I did get quite angry about that at her. My Father’s reponse in the beginning was that he disinherited me! That’s another story…
To sum up this short chapter in coming out, my Mother took some time to deal with it. Accepting that i was still the same person, yet different than what she had imagined or created in her mind. Her critical judgements coming from religion and social conditioning, friends and family that were as ignorant as she had always been. Having done her homework and learning about homosexuality (and not just accepting ignorant thoughts on the subject) she would later get involved in the Gay Pride in Fresno, do AIDES charity work as well as speak out openly in defense of gay people, especially her son.
My own attitude was important too, educating myself through available books and sharing that with family members from the age of eighteen. The good side of that is that I’ve never hidden my sexuality, I don’t necessarily throw it in people’s faces either, I just live who I am. When a situation comes up or someone says something, then I tell them what I think about it. I also support healthy gay oganisations and gay + human + animal rights manifestations : Gay Pride, Names Project, Gay Games to name a few…
I truly believe that dialogue is the most potent tool in advancing people’s ignorance about homosexuality and also acreating opportunites for people to see images and videos too, anything that will take away the demonizing of it. Gay people are no different from straight people, the only difference today might be in numbers, that there are fewer gay people than straight people.
Saying that makes me think that homosexuality could eventually be nature’s answer to the current problem of over population. Apparently in 2050, there will be 11 billion people on this planet.